Finish Line

Good morning peeps! So here we are at the finish line of the crazy drug CHAMPIX. I do have a bit to report on my weaning off process, and intend to continue until things are "well" again. The good news is that I have not smoked since Sept 27, 2012. I feel like I can breathe, and I am able to be around cigarettes and not be tempted. The bad new is that Champix is a very difficult drug to come off of. In saying this, I shall explain. Approximately 3 weeks ago I "dosed down" to .5ml in the morning and .5ml in the evening...it was then that I saw the inner monster. I felt as though I was in a constant state of PMS...except it was amped up a bit more than regular PMS. Well, this morning I had a good bout of tears...and stopped the Champix. I am done...a non-smoker....I did it.....I DID IT! I don't want to chance feeling any worse by staying on it, and I am off for the next couple of days, so I figured I should cut this shit out now. I really haven't had a whole lot of "bad stuff" to report throughout this journey, however I will warn anyone that I know that if they decide to jump on the Champix wagon, that getting off the shit is a miserable experience. I hope and pray that I don't turn to the "smokes".
Until tomorrow.....

Weaning...

Hello again. Okay, so I admit that this blog thing has lost it's lustre...it's beginning to feel like work to post again, so I guess it's a good thing that I am coming to my final days of Champix. Is it weird that I am just as leery coming off this mood altering drug, as I was going on it? I keep reading the side effects of coming off the drug, and I am a little scared. The one noticeable withdrawal symptom is irritability. the mood is quite comparable to not having a cigarette. I find myself becoming a bit short tempered at home, and I am hoping that this doesn't last! I am "weaning" off the drug, as I was told that this helps the irritability. So, hey that's where I am today...take no shit kind of moods. That is actually out of character for me....lets hope this fades as the days go on.

Till next time....where's my broom?

Day Nineteen...and Everyone IS Still Alive!

Hello all,

Well here I am at day 19, and still smoke free thanks to the wonder drug CHAMPIX. It feels sort of surreal to me that I have been able to refrain from nicotine products, as well as coffee - and everyone is still alive and well.  I have given up both, and I am not experiencing the mood altering affects I thought I might. I have my days of feeling "down", but I think those are just the facts of life; there are going to be ups and downs and all around on this journey. Today is a good day...yesterday was as well. I am finding that when I experience a little stress, it seems to be a bit more exaggerated, but since I am looking out for this, I am able to control my reaction. I have been practicing a lot more of the deep breathing exercises that I preach about to my clients, and well, all I can say is that they DO work..now that I can actually breath.
So there you have it. I am still smoke free, everyone is alive, and I am conscience of the mood fluctuations but they are minimal and controllable.

Until tomorrow.... Have a great day.

Home on a Wednesday...

So, here I am again; and lucky you, I am not grouchy today :) I guess we are all entitled to a bad day every now and then right? I am deciding to believe that that is all it was - a bad day, and had nothing to do with the Champix. It was a full moon, and you know what they say about full moons right? Well, here is what I say about full moons - FULL MOON MIND FUCKERY. Period. That's all I am going to say :)

so, I am on day 12 people...NO SMOKING IN 12 DAYS! Do I still want to smoke? Sometimes. I think the important thing to recognize at this point, is that it is all in my head now. I no longer have ANY craving for nicotine, and the physical withdrawal is non-existent. Wow right?

So now what? Well.. now I am researching how exactly to get off this crazy drug without well, going crazy! Funny how this blog has come full circle. I should also tell you that I  have had to change a few more things in the last couple of weeks - namely COFFEE. Yes, I have given up the gold. I no longer need caffeine; although I do think of it often. I have tried to drink it, and it tastes like it is missing something...yeah, it's missing it's wing man...SMOKE. So, I have had to kiss it goodbye.

I am also sleeping a little better since starting the Valerian Root. Hmm...it almost seems too good to be true.

Stay tuned!

P!nk - Blow Me (One Last Kiss) (Color Version)

I've had a shit day.....no kisses required....just blow me ;0)

Bad Day...

Okay so this IS a bad day, and it's not even 9:30am. I'm not sure what is going on, but I am feeling a bit useless, weapy, irritable, and short tempered. I am in a "take no shit" kind of mood. I'm not sure what has triggered this, but I am pretty sure it is due to the emotionally draining day I had yesterday along with the fact that I have had no sleep in a few days. I'm going to give it a bit of time, and come back later....

Till the sun rises..... 

Funny Stuff....

Hey all. So, I have found a few minutes to catch up on this "make work" project that I have created for myself...yes, this blog. So, today I am happy to report that "things" are about as good as they can get. I am still having a small difficulty when it comes to sleeping, but again, nothing to really complain about. I have a friend, who just so happens to be a nurse practitioner, and she recommended I take Valerian Root for my little insomnia bouts. She showed me the research which backs up all of the claims and benefits for aiding in temporary insomnia of course...because I am a nerd who needs  these things. So, as I was out and about last night, I stopped in at the Nutrition place in the mall and picked some up. BUT, as I was there, the owner asked why I was taking Valerian, and when I told him that I was quitting smoking and using Champix, he proceeded to "school" me on all the benefits of Magnesium. Who knew magnesium was so important? Really? When he started talking about the symptoms someone can have if they are deficient in magnesium, well shit, I think it described society in general...it is quite astounding!

After he explained why I should be taking magnesium, he asked if I have ever tried to quit smoking in the past. Uh..duh...yes. I told him that I have, but I have never been "medicated" to quit smoking before now. He then proceeded to tell me that the main reason people go back to smoking after quitting, is usually because of a nervous "tension", and stress's in their life. I could relate to the feeling he was describing immediately, and then he hit me with this "Well, that "feeling" is usually exasperated by someone who is deficient in magnesium". Hmmm....WOW. So, of course, I left with my Valerian AND a top of the line magnesium tablet. Funny how natural paths have a way of "feeling" out how to get you to buy something more.

Okay, now for the funny part of my evening. Every Monday night my son takes music lessons in town, and almost always, we end up at his favorite restaurant "Wacky Wings" afterward for something to eat. Well, last night was no different. So there we are, and the meal is great as usual; the only thing different this time was that we decided to stay for dessert. So as we are waiting for dessert, we are all talking up a storm, playing on our phones, checking our social media sites etc. We notice that the table next to us has not one, but two birthday girls, and approx eight of their friends. No big deal right? I figured they were only going to sings the "Birthday song" once (and secretly hoped I was long gone by then) and that would be that. What makes this story special is this: The two birthday girls were complete opposites - one sort of quiet, and one was a bit more dramatic. It didn't take us long to find out that it was their 19th birthday because the more dramatic one made sure we knew it. Another thing about these girls; they were both wearing a sash and a tiara. The sash (similar to that you would see on a pageant) read "Birthday Girl", and the tiaras were pink rind stones. Funny as hell in my brain (who does that?). Anyways, the drinks started coming after both of them showed their I.D. and all seemed to be going great. That is, until the tiny little waitress carrying 80+oz of beer in an extra large "tap" gadget (it looked the size of three blenders) with one hand, accidentally dumped the 80ounces of beer directly on Dramatic Birthday Girl.

I promise you that I tried not to laugh. I felt terrible for both of the girls (waitress + drama queen), but it was like everything happened in slow motion. I could tell the exact moment  that birthday girl went from being in shock with a wet crotch...to PISSED OFF....TEAR YOUR FUCKING EYES OUT MAD.  The waitress was apologizing profusely, her friends were biting their tongues, my son was not sure how to react, my husband was instantly telling the girl that she was now drinking for free for the entire night, and me...well, my iced tea was coming out of my nose I was laughing so hard. That is the funniest thing I have seen in a long, long time. Anyways, the little waitress ran away to get the manager before getting the shit kicked out of her..and drama queen took full advantage of the attention she was instantly in the center of. We got the hell outta there...I couldn't control myself...and I still giggle every time I think of it.

That is my "funny" for the day....
Until tomorrow....

 

Incubus - Wish You Were Here

The world is a roller coaster and I am not strapped in.....In this moment I am happy....happy. I wish you were here.
For my very good friend Sheena....taken from me too soon. Love you bella.

Sex and Chocolate

Hey all. Here we are at week three of the "Champ", and all I can say is "it works!". The little bout of cranks and snaps are gone (thank God), and everything seems to be back to normal (whatever that might be - lack of a better word). I have had a few weird days, but nothing I can't handle. I cannot begin to tell you how much of a miracle drug this little tablet seems to be. I am amazed before I am half way through - Champix should have it's very own 12 promises :) Yes, I am smoking somewhere around 3-4 cigarettes a day - a huge improvement from a pack/day. Okay, so I have to talk about my title "Sex and Chocolate". Have you ever had a deja vu? I had a full out "I have been here before" moment - AND I CAN REMEMBER IT. I had been told that vivid dreams were a huge part of smoking cessation, and now I know what the hell everyone is talking about.

But before I get to that, I must say that this morning I received a "push notification" advising me that I now have 330 readers on my little Champix journey. No shit. 330? That is both a little terrifying, and amusing at the same time. Maybe I am not nuts when I get the feeling that someone has read my blog? You know those people who look at you like they really know what you are thinking, because they have taken a little trip to The Dark Side Of The Princess? I've actually asked 2 people before if they have indeed read my blog - simply because of the coincidences in conversations relating to these pages. Anyways, they looked at me like I was nuts...they have not been here :)

 Carrying on... after that little tid-bit of information (push notification), I thought, "well geez, I guess I should write something today". So today I will write about the amazing DREAMS I have been having on Champix. OKAY, so where do I start? I will start at last week, and work my way forward from there. (Funny thing, since receiving the "push" thingy, I actually feel like someone is "out there")...bygones. Soooo, dreams....I have had many in the last little while - and they have grown into an entity of their very own. The colours, people, places, and things I was doing are beyond my own comprehension. I'm not sure how a lot of these images snuck into my sub-conscience. I stand to believe that when you are dreaming, it is a manifested thought from days, weeks, years, prior; and it seems I might be wrong, because I don't ever remember thinking THESE thoughts EVER. I will not get into what I have been dreaming about - I just can't - but, I'm sure you have all guessed anyways - it's what everyone talks about when you tell they you are attempting to quit smoking - THE WICKED DREAMS. I get it...I got it...I have it...in my little noodle.

Okay, so back to my title "Sex and Chocolate". This is one of my dreams...haha...unfortunately I am not kidding..lol. No really, I am not kidding, it is a valid, thought out, processed, number crunching, profit producing dream (if ever I decide to bail from the helping profession). Just imagine for a second the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. (Suckers, you thought I was about to be graphically sexual - hang in there....it's coming). Okay...so you are now envisioning the Chocolate Factory right? Good stuff. Smells good right? (Ha! Funny how I can into your brain that way....words people, they are the key). Okay, so envisioning the chocolate factory, I want you to think of a similar store, but with colours such as red, black, gold foil, shiny burgundy dark wood etc. Deep, rich colours and the smell of chocolate. Now, lets add some music...If you haven't listened to Scarlett Jane "Stranger"..please do that now...it's playing in the background of my store...the one you are envisioning. Don't forget to add art to the walls...my art...all graphite...all skin...beautiful skin. Okay, now lets add some chocolate. Dark chocolates, milk chocolates, raw chocolate, silky smooth chocolate. And finally let's add a name and theme to my million dollar idea...."Primal Chocolate". Each box marked with words which are meant to seduce the potential buyer. Imagine a box of rich dark truffles with a creamy silky centre, and lightly dusted with coarse sea salt. These truffles will be appropriately named "Sex On the Beach"(hence the sea salt). (See where I am going with this?) Okay, now imagine a thin red and black foiled box filled with an assortment of different beautifully crafted chocolates in the shape of delicate silhouettes. These would be named "One Night Stand" (hence the different silhouettes) Oh my good God...I have a million more, and I swear on the bible at my neighbours house, that IF such a store becomes a reality in the future, I will know it was one of you 330 readers who decided to take a trip to my dark side! I will hunt you down....promise.

So, until tomorrow....dream on...and on...and on. Is it a bad thing that I don't want my little 12 week journey of Champix to end? LOL

For God sakes...go eat a chocolate...and think of me!

STRANGER by Scarlett Jane

Tell me, when you're sleeping, what's behind your eyes?

Scarlett Jane - Oh Darling

I'm Driving Away Without You This Time...Keep Switching Lanes. Keep Changing My Mind....

Enjoy

Get Out Of My hEaD!!!

Good morning all. Hope everyone had a superb weekend and are raring to go this fine Monday morning. Yep, that's right....PMS seems to be gone and my hormones are returning to their normal goofy state. What a ride. Nobody died. It's all good.

This morning I have a little theory about the whole Champix experience that I would like to share with you. Before I went on this crazy little drug, I read through several medical articles about how this drug actually works. Yes, I actually did a bit of research before subjecting myself to the ultimate unknown. I can be responsible....really. I can if I try hard. Anyways, in a nut shell, Champix blocks the receptors in your brain which are stimulated by nicotine, and do not allow them to provide you any pleasure - they no longer allow dopamine (mans best friend) to be released when smoking. Okay, seems pretty logical and self explanatory right?

So, here is my theory. I happen to like dopamine. I like to have happy days that seem to come from nowhere, and allow me to smile at the shit head who stole my parking spot, or the asshole at the (painfully slow)Timmies drive-thru window (who definitely did not have enough coffee herself). I won't go there...bygones. Where was I? Oh yes, I like to be happy. Okay, so if I was going to be "cut off" from the dopamine (happy) I was getting from cigarettes, I would have to find it somewhere else right? I LIKE dopamine. I WANT dopamine. I NEED dopamine to function in this fucked up world! So, now the zinger...I have found a way to GET dopamine from something other than cigarettes; and yes, it is legal. RUN! No really, that's the answer.....RUN! Run like the wind Bulls Eye! RUN, RUN, RUN! I know, I know, who the hell can run after smoking for 20 some odd years right? YOU CAN! Do it.

Yes, it hurts to run right now, but it is SO worth it. I can not tell you how good I felt after running last night. My body hurt all over, but I was blissfully sore. DOPAMINE I LOVE YOU. That is my theory. I believe that in order to keep the side effects of this dirty little drug at bay, I HAVE to run. Exercise releases dopamine...my very good friend that allows me to not kill anyone while tackling this addiction. It's the magic key with so many benefits. Now with saying that, I leave you with this thought: Thoughts are only thoughts -  they are not facts. RUN!  

WIRED FOR SOUND....SERIOUSLY :)

The only way I can describe my current state of mind is by saying "ZZZZIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG!!!!!!!". I feel high. No word of a lie...I feel buzzy. A little dizzy and a little hyper and a little buzzed. I have asked around to a few of my reform smoker friends, and they all say "YES! Enjoy it while it lasts!" Well, Holy Shit...now why was I not informed of this beautiful little tidbit of information sooner? Apparently, it is a nicotine craving being masked by the Champix. Beautiful! See, I don't drink or do drugs, so this is such an added bonus. So here is the deal. I am currently at work, and I have not smoked all day here. I have my trusty little book at my finger tips - Allen Carr's "Easy Way To Quit Smoking", and I also have my ten pounds of mints, and gum. It smells WONDERFUL in my office; between the minty - berry gum, to my Elixir perfume (that has not been masked by the musky smell of cigarette's), it smells absolutely heavenly in here. And, I'm buzzed. What more could a girl ask for while at work? Really? This is GREAT!

Okay, so back to the "buzzy" wired for sound feeling. Have you ever had a bit of a tension headache? I have one right now. Boom, boom, boom, boom, squeeze, squeeze....add in a little dizziness, and I can't forget about the light airy feeling I have. Wow, that is the only way to explain it....yikes. The good news is...I DIDN'T GO CRAZY ON THIS DRUG! (Yes, some would beg to differ). Really though, I am so utterly GRATEFUL that I didn't experience any fierce mood swings, or strange behaviour issues....NOTHING but the buzz so far peeps!

This is my "buzzed on the Champ" post...YeeHaw!


Until tomorrow....

 

PMS = Pass My Shotgun

Good morning to you. I hope the sun is shining for you bright and beautiful. I hope the smell of Fall is in the air (where ever you are) and you are able to enjoy the smell of the changing seasons.

Blah Blah Blah Blah....Yeah, that is the FAKE Kelly...the one who showed up to work this morning, and really has not spoken to anyone in fear of letting something slip through my verbal filter. I am in the throws of PMS, and it is not a pretty sight I tell ya. It really isn't any different than any other month, so I can't blame the Champ, but it's never a good thing regardless. And it's Monday. And the universe is sending me hornets...long story....and I am really not seeing a reduction in the amount I am smoking. So yeah, it's a grand fucking day in deed.

Okay...I had saved this as a draft and came back to it. I didn't want to scare the 70 or so readers away with my foul mood. So, today is going relatively good. I am a busy BEE, and I no longer have a HORNET in my. Okay, I must tell you this crazy story.

First and foremost, I have to confess my freakish fear of bees and hornets (and any other stinging creature). I will jump in a pool, fully clothed, to avoid getting stung. I will run around the block to avoid getting stung. A couple of summers ago, I spent a lot of time indoors while camping to avoid getting stung. I am scared of bees and any other stinging insects - including hornets, wasps, etc.. You get the point right?
So low and behold, this past weekend was my worst nightmare coming true. Imagine my terror when we found thousands of them living in my air exchange system. THOUSANDS OF HORNETS LIVING IN MY HOUSE. I just about lost my mind. My poor husband was being an incredible trooper as he tackled them with our shop vac; while I was huddled in a ball upstairs, counting to a million, trying to slow my breathing, and visualizing my happy place. The good part about this story is that hornets have a disgusting stench; the same stench I smelled and searched for in my upstairs bathroom for the last couple of months. I am having a hard time thinking of a way to describe the smell. Think of rotting salmon...yep that does it. Well, it was not rotting salmon at all...it was hornet poop. GROSS...but GONE. Yahoo!

Okay, I can't write anymore at the moment...I am seriously busy....until tomorrow


 

Is It Foggy In Your World?

Wow, DAY 7 people, and some "shit" is actually starting to happen!. Today I took Champix's "full dose" of 1 mg, and to be quite frank, I was scared shitless. I had a bit of an interrupted sleep again last night, but I must have slept a bit, because the dreams I had are still etched in my brain. Honestly, I feel a bit more groggy this morning, but that is about it. I have had a few "foggy" moments in the last couple of days too. You know those days where you put the milk in the pantry, and the cereal in the fridge? That's is what I mean by "foggy". Other than that, I cannot report anything too wild and crazy yet. I am crossing my fingers and toes that this is the extent of the side effects that I can expect. I am beginning to see the proof that this might actually work in the way of a lessened desire to smoke. And that my friends is a fucking miracle! When I do get a craving for a cigarette (if you want to call it that - it's more like thinking about having a cigarette) I can usually put it out before it is done. However, I have found that if I have a COFFEE in my hand, I have no problem smoking the whole thing - maybe even two. So guess what has to go soon. Yes, I am teary just thinking about it....my beloved coffee. I knew this would happen. I knew I would have to break-up with coffee if I actually wanted any sort of success with quitting smoking; but I guess I was in denial, because thinking it through is throwing me into a grief cycle. I LOVE coffee. No, actually that is too lame of a word (love), I would walk 5 miles over broken glass for a cup of coffee. I would probably give up my baby finger's fingernail if it meant that I could keep coffee. It is what makes the world go around. It brings people together -  even when unexpected. It makes the nervous calm down. It makes people smile. It wakes people up. It brings a sense of anticipation when brewing. It's taste is heavenly. It makes it perfectly okay to sit quietly in your sun room for an entire afternoon, even when you have a million other things to do. IT IS COFFEE...and IT IS COMFORT. And I will miss it :(

 

Kelly Clarkson - Dark Side

The Good, Bad, and Ugly

DAY 6 - So far so good. I was able to sleep last night, and I am so HAPPY about that! I woke up this morning with the desire to sleep longer, and that just never happens. I am also beginning to see a bit of a decline in the desire for a cigarette. For example, I usually arrive at work for 9am, and take my scheduled break at 10:30am, at which time I can smoke 3 cigarettes in a 15minute time frame. I KNOW what you are thinking....THAT IS SOO WRONG! It is insanity at it's finest is what it is. Anyways, this morning I came in 1/2 hour early because I knew I had a lunch date with my girlfriend, and I wanted to cover my bases if we went over our scheduled lunch break. Well, with saying all of that....it is now just past 10am, and I am not craving a cigarette!. Yahoo! I could do cartwheels right now!
Maybe, just MAYBE, this might work :) 
Okay, that was my positivity for the day, and here is my fear. This weekend I am heading into PMS (I'm not sure what is too much information), and I am a little frightened about it. Normally, on any given month, I am a highly sensitive, overly emotional wreck, who contemplates everything at this time. Now, add this dirty little mood altering, psycho - producing drug and I think I have good reason to be just a tad worrisome right? I have yet to "feel" irritable in the last few days, but I haven't really pressed the limits by sitting through a craving neither. So what is to come of September's PMS? Who knows. I will warn my significant other and son to be on guard as I normally do, but I am really hoping to NOT rip any heads off. That is what I am praying for...everyone comes out of this alive :) Maybe I will just play Kelly Clarkson's "Dark Side" over and over like a theme song, and everyone will still "love" me in the end.

Till tomorrow....

No Rest For The Wicked

Well, here we are at day 5 on the Champ, and I haven't slept a wink in the last 24 hours. I went from being completely lethargic to a deer in the headlights. I know that when I look at the "big picture", this is really nothing. I mean, I have read about some pretty horrific side effects to this drug, and I am touching wood when I claim to have none of "those" yet. However, with this being my first day back to work from vacation, I was hoping to feel a bit more alert and on task, but NOPE....not happening. So, I had trouble falling asleep, and staying asleep all night. That is my issue today. Who the hell knows what tomorrow will bring right?
Yesterday was the first day I was required to take two tablets (morning/night), and obviously that is what did me in. Secondly, I am still recovering from some serious focused thoughts in the last few days, and that has sent me on a bit of a search for answers that are just not available. So yes, I AM having some MILD side effects, but nothing to yell about yet.
Also, I have NOT cut down on smoking. I don't believe I am expected to at this point. I can say that my cravings are completely habitual, and not the racing, anxious feeling that I am used to. That said, it's my own doing that I am still smoking as much, and I really need to stretch my butts out in the next few days to see if this crazy Champ actually deserves credit.

Oh yes, I almost forgot! I also had a bit of a freaky dream during one of my nappies. I was lost in a city, and a complete virgin to public transportation. I scared some people away by asking too many questions, but thankfully, some nice lady got me to where I was going. That was it. It was very vivid, but nothing like some that I have been reading about. I am still waiting for the sexual ones!

So that is is for me today. I haven't killed anyone yet, and I don't seem to be suffering too much, but I am aware that tomorrow could bring a whole new ball game...so until then.

How about them Tornado Potatoes!

:)




 

Sleepy Head

Yawn....good evening all. I have made it through day 3, and not without a bit of a struggle. I have now noticed one thing that this Champ is doing to me - it is making me very very sleepy. I had a nap this afternoon for 2.5 hours and felt better when I woke up; but man - o - man this groggy feeling is worrisome. Tomorrow, I begin the 2X's per day and I am not looking forward to it for that reason - I have to be able to function. On a brighter note, I do not have any nausea or mood issues as of yet - thank Christ. I did think about the video blog for today...really I did THINK about it - but as you can tell, it's not happening today. I just finished walking my dogs, and I look like shit, so I cannot do it. Also, I know this big beauty of a MAC can accomplish the task, but don't have the slightest clue where to begin. So, another day I guess.

Hope you all are having a beautiful long weekend....fall is just around the corner!

Till tomorrow...

Tornado Potatoes

Hey all..I'm back. Yeah, it took me all damn day, but I had things on my mind, so I wasn't sure how to post. So, today is DAY 2 on my dirty little drug...CHAMPIX. Okay, so I must admit that I had a hard time taking my second little white, personality altering, psychotic mood producing pill this morning. Yesterday did not go the way I had planned, and no, not because of the CHAMPIX; simply because the universe has a wicked sense of humour, and had me shell shocked for the evening. So, anyways, I was seriously thinking that maybe I should put the whole thing on hold for a bit. BUT I didn't, and here I am.
So, last night I had a really bizarre thing happen. I was on my way to a food festival which is an hour away from my home, and guess what? I endured the drive here, and a walk around the mall, and the drive to the food festival, and the food festival itself without smoking a cigarette. The best part is....I didn't even crave one! That is, until I got back to my car (after the festival)...then I smoked 3 (a wee bit stressed). Anyways, I thought it was a bit of a milestone along this so-called psychotic journey. Usually, I am craving a cigarette by the time I drive an hour ANYWHERE. It usually starts with a bit of anxiety, then some nerves, and then I just start talking fast, and planning where and when I can smoke soon. But, oh joy, oh bliss, I had none of that.
So,lets talk about Tornado Potatoes for a minute. Have you had one of these grease bathed beauties? Last night was my second tornado potato and it did not disappoint.  Okay, so here is the thing about these potatoes...they are shockingly neat to look at, expensive looking (in an artsy kind of way), sweet smelling, and oh so delicious! Unfortunately, they are so very bad for you it makes me think like I've committed some worldly sin by simply looking at them. Too bad, so sad. I ate it, and loved every minute of it...the line was slow..so I had plenty of time to hear my heart beating rapidly, and control the drool dripping off my chin in anticipation.

Okay, really what a night. Seriously...I haven't felt this way in a long time. I am going to be a bit vague here, and probably not make any sense to the rest of the world, but lets just say that when the world throws you a curve ball...it REALLY knows how to do it. WOW.

Tomorrow I will post a video blog (after I figure out how to do it).

On an end note...the CHAMPIX is not causing me any grief at the moment...and I think this may just work. There is my positivity for the day. Now, go eat a potato...and love it. Cheers to curve balls!

Brandi Carlile - The Story

So Here We Are...

So, here we go again. After editing my profile, I feel a bit depleted...this is not a good sign. Really, do I have time for this? I guess I should start by explaining my intention for this blog, and why the hell I would put myself through the painful process of returning to a page which I thought I had buried so long ago. The fact is, today, I have started the great adventure of giving up caffeine and ciggies. See, the name for my blog now makes perfect sense, right? I am somehow anticipating my "darker side" to reveal it's ugly head in the next 12 weeks, and I want to be able to share all of it's gory glory with you...my poor reader. I cannot lash out in my line of work, nor do I want to subject my family to my haste (they have enough to do without me critiquing their every move), so, it's all you. Won't this be FUN? Also, I have spent a considerable amount of time researching this dirty little drug that I am currently consuming - CHAMPIX, and hope that if I suddenly turn into a psychotic bitch, then you will all remind me of how sweet I was on "Day 1". Today is "Day 1", and low and behold I have not felt any sort of weird side effect. Some people said they were hugging the toilet beginning on the first day, and feeling all sorts of brain-fog type of stuff...not me. Maybe I am in a constant state of brain-fog?
So I guess I should list my reasons for quitting smoking and caffeine: ...............................................................................................................Yeah, Zilch...Zero, ...Nadda. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE SMOKING...AND I WOULD SLEEP WITH A GOOD CUP OF COFFEE IF I COULD.

See, I know what you are thinking...this is never going to work right? Well, I'm with you...agreed. I don't know if this is going to work...I really don't. I am a PRO smoker who is NOT on some health kick, or anything like that. BUT, it really is the last "monkey on my back" that I have. I don't drink, don't do drugs, don't party, I DO NOT engage in anything mood or mind altering whatsoever....EXCEPT smoking and coffee. So let's just call it my little challenge to myself.
I honestly cannot remember being a "non-smoker". Other than a few half ass attempts in the last few years, which gave my blood a little boost of oxygen, I have always smoked. I started smoking under my parents deck at the ripe old age of 13. There is just something so fucking wrong with writing that. 13!! Seriously, where the fuck was my parents? Anyways, bygones... So, if my math is correct (and it NEVER is) I have been smoking for...wait let me get my calculator...25 years!! Holy Cow! And guess what came after I started smoking? COFFEE! I cannot even rationalize "Why"...I guess I wanted to "feel" grown up? Who the fuck knows...I was a mess from 13 - 25... (bygones). All I know is this - I must have had some serious issues if I thought that smoking and drinking coffee was the way to "feel grown up", and now look at what I am dealing with...a habit in which quitting is comparable to that of a CRACK HABIT, and having to be heavily medicated on this VERY controversial drug (Champix) in order to have a shot at kicking the stinky things.

So there you go. That is why I have graced your presence. I will be spewing ALL of my dark, dirty laundry to you, the great readers of "Blogspot"  over the next several weeks. Be prepared for a bit of obscene language, maybe some parental consent should be added to this feed? And hopefully at the end of this journey, I will be smoke free and having zero regrets...notice the positivity there? See that? So yes, I can be a good girl...regardless of what you may think of me at the end of this dark adventure.

Until tomorrow....

The Darker Side